A little deeper
As I sit down to write this post, I am enjoying a snickers bar. I didn’t grab it as my emotional crutch. I’m eating it slowly and enjoying each mouthful and not feeling any guilt over this treat.
I have come a long way.
This journey of losing weight has been an emotionally and psychologically charged trip… A much needed one! One that at times I thought I may procrastinate for the rest of my life! I am so grateful to myself for keeping on! I am endebted to people in my life who have supported me through this! Especially Nadine, my GloryGirls Coach!
The truth of this matter for me is a year before I committed to my journey, I hit the lowest low in my life. I was grieving, I was depressed and I knew I had to make a huge change. With that I packed up my life and my children and I returned to SA, for an undetermined stay. I rented an apartment, put my children into school and then embarked on therapy to come to terms with my loss and make sense of why I lived the way I lived. I was a people pleaser to my own detriment. Lived with guilt over everything and was so unhappy in my marriage and life. I recognised my children were blessings but at the time I was holding the fort (alone mostly) at home, and my husband was going through his own difficult time but focussing on his job. I was exhausted and I refused to ask for help.
I started meeting with my psychologist Claire a couple of times a week and this continued for almost 5 months. In that time some very difficult news came to the light about my family. By God’s grace alone, I was seeing Claire and she helped me make sense of a situation that could have destroyed my life and my marriage.
In 5 months I dealt with all my emotional baggage over the course of my life till then. I was finally able to live in the moment and forgive myself.
I gained weight as a protective mechanism and it was my way to rebel against a ”superficial” world. It became a burden laced in pain and self loathing. Through me dealing with my emotional baggage – I was finally able to deal with those roots. I made a decision to lose the weight, not to accept myself. I accepted myself as I was and chose to care for myself. I wanted to be the best version of myself and not let my memories be greater than my dreams.
A year and 3 months down the line, I can tell you – this has been an incredibly rewarding experience. My life has been transformed and my children prompt me to have excercise time. They love joining in while I do my weights or we play together. My life seems so much fuller!
A couple of weeks ago, a fellow GloryGirl posted on Facebook that if anyone was able and willing to join as her guest to a ball, they should contact her. I responded and in 45 minutes did my make up and got ready for the spontaneous ball! Something that I would have cringed at the thought of doing even with notice. A few days later I particapated in a fashion show, featuring real women who are inspirational. I had such an amazing time and met incredible women.
It takes courage to change but if you commit to your goal – you can accomplish anything!
I am almost ‘there’……. My goal has been to be healthy! I believe I am already, but I want my weight to reflect that… currently weighing in at 84.5kg’s, i’m 4.6kg’s away from a bmi of under 25. Every kg after that is a gift……. but MORE than anything I want to be healthy, fit and strong!
”Without fitness and health there is little quality of life. BUT it’s not about how much weight you can lift in the gym, it’s about being able to take on what life throws at you.”